I am a dam

First published 9 December 2016

On my meandering journey of emerging that I have been taking the last few months, I have been digging deep to see what has really been holding me back. I use the word “grief” very loosely because it is so complex. It comes in many forms, feelings, thoughts and actions. (Let me point out right now that I am not qualified in any way shape or form on grief, and please don’t take what I say or feel as gospel)!

These blogs are purely about “me”.  Yes, that may sound selfish, but I’ve found that to emerge I need to be a bit selfish. I need to spend time with people that can give to me and I need to learn to receive with open arms and an open heart; something that I’m not very good at.  I need to let people in, be vulnerable and share what I’m feeling.

This piece is about all these things. About giving, but doing it to the point of having nothing left; and being willing to receive and feel the changes from with in. Changes that are allowing me to step out from the sadness that has engulfed me; to emerge creatively, personally, step by step, little bits at a time.

I am a dam, with a crack, and the creative pieces are the drops of water threatening to break the dam open.  I’m full to the brim; the writing is flowing like the water is from the dam.

I am a dam.

I have been on this earth for 42 and a half years, grounded to this earth, moving with the earth.

I have given life in my dam, fed and nurtured life in the dam.

I have given from my dam. Given to friends, strangers, family.

Anyone that wants to take from my dam can, I give freely, willingly and often.

Even when the dam is empty and only has sludge in the bottom, I will still give. It’s what I do. I’m a giver, no matter what.

I don’t like being a receiver, I don’t like asking, as I am a giver.

The dam is nearly empty often, but there is always enough to give to those that I nurture.

But I realise that I need to receive, I need to fill the dam. How will I feed from the dam if there is no nourishment?

I need to receive so that the dam can be healthy, full of life, full of clean water and not sludge.

I have been receiving. I have received. I am the receiver.

I have received from those that I have given to. I have received from those that I have nurtured. I have received from strangers that want to see my dam at its capacity.

My dam is nearly full.

My dam is cracking from the pressure. It started out as a small crack and there were a few drips, then a slow dribble. Then it stopped. Its building up again.

The dam if full, it has nowhere to go, except back down to sludge. No one wants to see a sludge dam.

The crack is getting bigger. Some want to mend the crack, plug it; they don’t want to see what happens if the dam breaks her hold. They want to keep the dam as its peak, teetering on the edge of overflowing and evaporating, still bursting.

The crack is getting bigger. The wall is not going to hold.  Do they let it break or is the dam resisting?

There are those who want it to break. Think about the new lives that the dam can nourish by breaking these walls. Think about all the new giving that can be done if the dam breaks.

Those that are in the path of the flow are sitting, waiting, watching the trickle, soon it will gush, run strong, settle, and bring new life.

I am a dam, and I’m about to let go.